My temporary home

TODAY IS A MOST DEPRESSING DAY SINCE LONG. I can’t remember when I felt this depressed last time. But at the same time, depression is beautiful if you look at it from the correct angle but depression is a tricky little bitch because that ain’t easy and she makes it all the harder for you to make it easy, so to speak. Simply, when being depressed it is most hard to look at normal things the right way but no one who hasn’t ever been depressed can never understand what I mean but there are some of you out there that do understand. It is simply impossible to do or see the right things when being depressed. Depression is hard to recognize as well. It’s just there and it just sits there with its gloomy, lurking eyes looking at you. Staring at you, through you with a look that pierces your very soul. And you don’t realize it is happening. You think you are alone with your sadness but you are not! The mare is with you all the time, call her Daymare or Nightmare or whatever you’d like to but she’s there lurking behind every corner and even sits on your table right before you and stare into your empty eyes that are blinded by memories from the past and from times when you were happy…

THE MARE IS A BITCH. YOU CAN’T reach her, touch her. She is not responding to the normal procedures of action. She is like a moth in the light who doesn’t care if she gets burnt because she knows that we will give birth to her again and again by calling for her with our darkest and deepest meditation. Yes – it is us calling her. She is sitting there looking through you in silence because you have called for her. You wanted attention and you got it. A demoness from the Tartaros-like pit that lies deep inside your soul and dwells.  “Depression (is) dwelling like a cold mist” – Oh yes, we do call for her, the bitch of Darkness, the whore of depression. Like Homer’s Circe, she is changeable, looming from behind an invincible strength and magic. Like Circe, she can take the form of any beast there ever existed – with or without shape, with or without patience, with or without a bloodthirsty will to devour your depressed soul to dwell in her domains for eons and eternities, in this universe or another universe. When we are depressed, we open up ourselves and our souls to the wide world around us and as we stand there in the middle, naked like a dying beast who knows it is the victim to the mare or who doesn’t. If you do know you at least knows what is happening to you is real and not a fucking dream! You are not hallucinating! You are simply experiencing depression.

I COULD GO ON FOREVER ABOUT THIS MATTER since I have suffered a lot from many different mental diseases during periods in my life, all from grave depression to pure psychosis with full visual and audible hallucinations and spent six weeks locked up by law in a mental institution but it is worth mentioning that the result was due to wrong medications. But after I got out of that mental place, where the warders were even sicker than we were, I had an entire year following up with audible hallucinations. When at the institution I had three different voices in my head – a middle-aged male and a female whom constantly discussed my state of being but I couldn’t hear their words; I just knew what they were doing in there, and a teenage girl that was crying out loud begging her father not to kill me and she was shrieking like a monster out of a horror movie. Hard to live with at the moment of that time. They disappeared after a few weeks and I was left with only the suspicion that I thought I wasn’t alone.

THEN AFTERWARDS WHEN I GOT RELEASED and came home I started hearing whisperings all day longs and I heard the outdoor neighbors talking about me all the time, every day for a whole damn year!!! That was extremely tiring and energy-intensive and it completely drained me of all energy so that I couldn’t, of course, lead a normal life. I was running around the apartment all days long spying out the windows and trying to hear the neighbors talking about me. It started when I opened up my eyes in the morning and it continued out through the day and into the night and stopped around 2:30 in the morning when the last neighbor shut her balcony door (every damn night). And of course, no one believed me. I still don’t know today if what I heard was my neighbors talking about me or if it was hallucinations! And it is hard to think about it sometimes not knowing the real truth!! Because I did have a strange female neighbor that later moved and my hallucinations stopped exactly that day just like that! I knew I was sick in many ways but it was so real that I couldn’t tell what was real and what was not real. Have a think about that for a while if you feel bad some day :p