This is another Desolation X-photo from where I live, Rånäs. It is a couple of years old picture but I like it. It’s depressive, it is nostalgic and it is quite beautiful, I think, even though I have the pissiest day today that I’ve ever experienced in my life before. Not compared to any mental institutions or alike but for a normal day, so to speak. I’m just disappointed overall. There is so much shit going on in my life at the moment that I can’t feel joy, can’t breathe with ease or look at things in an objective way because when I am the subject I tend to be subjective rather… I want to vomit up all the shit out of me and onto this troublesome world. Yea, I’m just normal depressed, not like really depressed, but depressed, you know. I don’t even know what to write and that ain’t me, really. So whatever, I think I will go find a good hose that fits the exhaust pipe on the car or a good old rope and a nice tree or maybe even a gun or why not heroin. No, I won’t. Why? Because I’m a stupid loser and a coward! That is why I still walk this fucking Earth with tired feet and an exhausted mind, wanting to go to sleep and never ever wake up again. If I would have been a strong man and a proud being I would have ended my life today. That’s the truth. Anyway, this is what Rånäs is about… depression, loneliness, longing, wanting, tiresome and makes you carry a burden like the oxen carries its yoke. Well, my friends
Well, my friends. Never move to Rånäs. You’ll die within ten years there and age fast. But at the same time, it befits me. Because I feel I find myself unburdened there just because I bother no one there. I am all alone and I can do whatever I’d like, which was fun the first three years or so. Now I’ve lived there for over seven years. I’m starting to experience the degrading, the aging, life’s bitterness because it ain’t happy with what I feed it with. It wants to love, to care and it wants humor and laughing and women and a huge palace with servants everywhere, naked servants in every corner there would be bringing me grapes and wine to the harem where I would reside with my haschish pipe and hookah. *sigh* Who hasn’t dreamed like that? Come on – if you say no , then you are probably lying OR you have had an equal wish which is your version of the same richness and wealth and LIFE! L.i.v.i.n.g.! I’m NOT living! I am dying, day by day. With a sweet woman by my side I feel I would live every day but as for now it is dying that counts. It all depends on how you look at it, really. It’s so pathetic you can laugh at it, actually. And some of you are laughing or are thinking “what a pathetic and worthless man he is!”. Well I guess I am then. In the end you are what other people see in you. That is what matters. But it should most certainly not. I should not give a shit about what others think of me and I usually don’t give a fuck either. But there are moments when the glass is leaking and those are the moments I am talking about. However, today I only feel sad and a bit pissed and maybe misunderstood or not seen for what I am or maybe that is just what has happened?! I really don’t know. The thoughts are whirling around in my head like a ping pong ball, getting heavier for every time it hits the wall of the head and soon has a density of about 5 stones per square inch and will still not crush your head but rumble around inside it.
Ok, time for coffee. There is hope after all. Someone in Guatemala has picked me a bean!! Wow. Think about it. That’s pretty neat ;) Cheers!