Today I will go to the vet with my little companion. She is 17 years and 3 months old and she has cancer. During the past few months, she has lost both hearing and sight. Her sight was almost lost over night! But she has been strong and fought her battle against death and seemed pretty alert, walking around the apartment trying to find her way to whatever place she was looking for, but the last two nights she has hidden herself under my couch, and she doesn’t come out for food or water – she has always been a big drinker that could drink enormous amounts of cold water. She has always been drinking directly from the running tap in my bathtub och wherever we have been living I have made sure there was running water for her. Anyway, I put some water under the sofa and she dragged herself towards it and she drank. Apart from that she hasn’t eaten or done anything and I can hear how she is gasping for air and she is just lying there staring throughout the emptiness with open, blinded eyes. It is horrible to witness your little mate go like this. But we have had so many good years together and she has been my companion through some very difficult times. She has moved with me 9 times to other places plus traveling the six-hour long car ride to my mothers/my family’s area, several times and she has been living there with me for months at a time making herself at home even though there is another female there that she doesn’t like. Now such trivial problems will end for her. No more car rides except for this last short one. No more adventures with Markus. It is so sad and I will mourn her for the rest of my life. In about three hours it will be done.
Tonight when I will come home with an empty cage, my heart will be burdened by heavy sadness. But also a relief because I see how she suffers now and that hurts probably even more than it will afterward. I asked the vet if she would cremate her so I could get her ashes. “Not separately, no. For that, you’ll have to drive her to the crematory yourself”. Ok, so that means I could get bits of her ashes but also ashes from other peoples dogs and cats and dead pets. No thank you – I am a macabre man by nature, but that didn’t satisfy me at all. I will be satisfied with the knowledge that her body will be cremated. I believe this life is only one stage in the process of existence which is immortal and endless. More on that subject some other time. For now, I’m just ok with that her consciousness will still be around in my consciousness and in my subconscious mind. Dreams open up this maze of corridors in space, time and existence and in which we can be able to communicate with people that have left this world and gone further to a knowledge we do not have…. yet. But we will all get there in the end whether we like it or not and whether we are filthy Christians, followers of the Great Dragon, Satanists, fucking Morons (oh I meant the Mormons) or whatever belief one may live by. We will all go the same way in the end which makes our philosophies pretty damn pathetic. No matter how cool you are with your Satanist-philosophies or slave to the dogma-saturated religions in this world. We will all walk the same path – left hand, right hand or fucking upwards och downwards or back in time or whatever but we will still all, no matter who we are, make the same blatant Grand Exit when the time has caught us in its web and says – time to say bye toTime.
Whatever will come then? How should I know! Read Emanuel Swedenborg – he has some pretty wacko perceptions of souls traveling throughout the universes and dimensions as angels and demons, very damaged view by Christianity’s affection on him but if you manage to look by that he makes some interesting esoteric reading! Please, go ahead and read him. I have several works with him. Or you might wanna read Paracelsus, or why not Platon or Socrates? All a good read. I stick to my six bands, fat edition of Thousand and One Nights! Now THAT is entertaining in my taste. It has it all. I bought my grand collection of these six bands with about 12 colored pictures in every book on an online second-hand web shop service called Antikvariat.net for only 50€ back in 2009. 50€! That’s insane and the books are in lovely quality as well. But more about that subject another time too. I have deviated from the main issue here – my little black female companions life is about to be put to an end and I feel that my only way to deal with that right now was to sit down and write about it. That way I get to work the thoughts at the same time as I am doing something that doesn’t drive me insane. But I think I have done just that now, so… time to say farewell – but to you – only ’till the next time but for my little friend it will be an eternally sad farewell because I love that little piglet more than anything in the world. She has been the perfect mate throughout out half of my life. How do you prepare yourself to leave that behind you? I guess I’ll just manage. That is what humans do. We survive and keep going no matter if there lands a UFO in your garden tonight with aliens saying they are gods that have come to help us.
Farewell to you, Pascal! Beloved mate and entertainer. May your little soul travel on through time and dimensions and live on as pure energy or whatever happens to you. Enjoy your ride and have a great adventure now on the journey you are about to embark. I will always love your little memories and big heart forever. Rest, or travel, in peace, Pascal. Some day in the future our ways will cross again. Be sure of that!