“Depression was dwelling like a cold mist“
THAT IS A TITLE AND IT WAS TAKEN FROM EUCHARIST’S SONG ‘The View’ and it is describing my current state of mind that entered my psyche with a definite start of a period and of which I have no clue for how long it will last. In short, I feel a depression caused by one of the humanity’s sons but I accuse nobody or nothing because some circumstances are bound to happen and this is one of those circumstances that has appeared. What is it? you may ask but it is not as easy as that, and, why tell for that matter? It concerns in a way only me but in another, very direct way, also several thousand of other people. Strange, you might say
to yourself and so do I. It is strange. It is actually fucked up, to be clearly honest. But let us not dwell on the why apart from one little thing that is worth mentioning – why am I writing about this that you don’t know what it is and why should you read? Well, on the first part I say I write because I want to get it out of my system but it won’t work, of course; believing so would be very naive. However, I write anyway because it feels as if I am in it – as in within it, within the problem. You could say that writing about it abstractly makes me hold on to a reality that is about to crack and I do not want it to crack. On the second part – I have no clue of why you should read this. It is fully up to you to decide if you should go on reading or not.
Anyway, my life has been pretty much empty for a very long time. To be more exact it has been that way since 2009 which makes it six years until 2015. By that time I had not been living with a woman and child for over six years and Rånäs isn’t the kind of place you open your door to fetch your mail and you run into this girl of your dreams, you know. There isn’t even a fucking grocery store anymore! (yea it rhymed. Pretty cool as I am a hobby poet as well :p). So I have led a life in solitude here in the beautiful nature of Roslagen about one hour away by car from the city of Stockholm and about half an hour from Norrtälje. My family lives 600 km from where I live and my few friends do too. Suffice to say I have been extremely lonely for a long time by the time of 2015 and I had come to enjoy the loneliness and I started to get better mentally and my medication was beginning to finally work after many trials and errors and periods of testing this and that medication and I stopped suffering physically by the time of about 2013, I think it was. My life took a different turn there for the better and I started to feel stronger since then and that strength continued to grow and developed as a person and has continued to do so until today and it still is growing, I hope. At least, I am about to find out.
Anyway, I was finally mentally fit to form a lifestyle of my own. I had read very much since about 2007 and I read more and more all the time. Everything I could get my hands on but that is another story, And I started to walk the left-hand path (LHP) which is also another story. I started to strengthen myself in my solitude and I was slowly succeeding and the process is still going on. But that doesn’t mean you can’t fall into depression again, it is like a relapse where the stones began to fall from that fortress I had built up within and around myself. But now I’m getting ahead of things. In 2015 my life changed again in a positive direction and suddenly I started to see that there were others in the world outside my world of solitude and I began to slowly let other people to the inside of my walls. I lowered the guard and I had to learn how to trust again. And that was fundamentally new to me since I have been an addict all my grown up life, which twisted and turned all experience, and before that, I was a kid and they also have a different point of view on life. Now I was an adult who had to start trusting other people after having to trust nobody but myself for that last six years. I was quite successfully and things got better and better, actually. And so it went on. The only negative part was that my walking the LHP came to suffer since I simply couldn’t practice it as easy anymore because I traveled down to my family a lot and stayed for long periods where I just couldn’t focus and I felt no interest either. It had to wait.
As many of you know I started to create music again during this period as well, which affected me positively. It added to my positive experiences. Life went on. Things were good. Then, very sudden, this year – 2017, I got a message and it was like pouring acid inside my wall of solitude and trust and strength so that my inner palace started to crack and wither from within and I felt how bad a thing this is so I am struggling with my mental state versus the reality I live in and the reality I want to live in. There has recently been a clash between those two worlds inside me that now are working from two ends – one trying to break me down and the other trying to build me up and at the moment there is no equilibrium present to balance my mental state and I experience myself slowly falling towards the dark pits once again without seeing any way out to escape through and although I might seek such a way out I am bound to continue the fall until something will make it stop or until I hit the bottom… again. Besides, I don’t run away from mental issues or responsibilities toward my own person. I have been there and beyond both as a mentally ill human and as a very focused and quite strong personality by revisiting this darkness through a state of meditation with a balanced mind using several different, working techniques, focusing on my fears (we all have them), my past and the present. It is time for another of those jobs now but I fear I am perhaps not strong enough, in reality, to make it possible once more. That I will find out. It took me so much energy it is ridiculous. You succeed with a lot of patience, mistakes, downfalls, facing different challenges by outshining and by using strength (wisdom here) against demons as such or in the form of your inner gods of darkness and light. (go buy a book or two to catch up with what I’m talking about if you’re interested. I will definitely write more on this subject of Luciferianism and my own philosophy in the future and perhaps explain a bit altogether. I really don’t enjoy discussing and talking to others about this but typing it into the computer for others to read I have no problems with. Only a very few I might discuss this with.)
This state and achievement I have reached by my own accords and knowledge that I have been gathering, especially during the last three years, and maybe it is sufficient to succeed again but I doubt it and only that is making me wonder whether I will make it once more. I have always lived in the Darkness, with the Darkness. I was born into it but it took me almost all my life to understand this and how I could use that as one or several tools and as a source of power but I struggled a lot during almost a year with a very harsh lifestyle in order to reach that point. In periods, I had to leave this reality for some time but unfortunately I didn’t manage to be away for as long as I felt I needed but now is the time to begin this piece of achievement and work hard as hell on reaching my goals which I know won’t be easy and is not what I wanted, but I have come to a crossroad where I face the signs toward the pit of the demons and the astral plane of knowledge and power – once again. It might sound as if the choice of which route to choose is obvious – go for the power and knowledge directly? – but the thing is that I have found that for me to reach knowledge about myself and power over myself and my within and power over my immediate surrounding, I have to go through the world of the demons (or your demons/inner gods). I could write forever about this but I have a limited amount of time and space for you not to get too bored out too fast.
So this shit just happened to me, anyhow, and that means a lot of changes that wasn’t planned from the beginning (by 2015) and it both pisses me off but mostly scares me because I am literally afraid to fall into the pits of Tartarus again, I do confess; to get devoured by the Void. I am used to living in the Darkness because I as flesh and spirit consist of both dark Darkness and Dark Light within and in my world and point of view we all do.
About eight months ago I reached a point where my inner light and pieces of remnants from the Void, all since Khaos once stood ready to expand, opened up inside of me and spread itself inside of and around me as if an invisible sphere surrounded me. After roaming and exploring new areas and masks/inner gods/demons within for about six months the Black Flame ignited inside me was lit up and enlightened me, illuminated my inner Void and brought its black light over the maze of corridors that make out my psyche. This I reached with focused meditation using different techniques, as mentioned, and it differs from individual to individual what is best or safe and right for you. That is a huge part of the job when you work with Luciferian Magick. Anyway – the flame is lit – now and will forever be until the day I leave these earthly boundaries. There is no way to stop it or to reverse the process that has awoken in me and been triggered by my own Will and inspiration. Therefore it should not be quite as hard to reach the same levels again but I need to reach higher levels as do we all in life, it’s just that we do it in our own special ways. But there is no Black Flame to be found for the common individual just by snapping your fingers after reading a fucking ritual text. You must really ache of true and strong will in order to reach such goals by meditation and controlled self-hypnosis. I am not saying that I am special in any way or insane for that matter, as some of you might wonder, but I am a strong-willed person with determination and I know what I have experienced and it is as real as you are. The thing is that this shit I am talking about now triggers the need of going back into this mental state again and for longer, if possible, an everlasting experience. The hard work will be to maintain the state and keep the flame alive. As said, we all have our goals; and I am ready to ride the fucking Nightmare ’til she releases all her evil for me to feed on. I have to and I will do so and if I fail I will fail bad but if I strive to succeed and does so I will lead a strong and healthy life, so now, will and maintaining that will are the most important goals for me right now and will have to be in times to come.
I am sorry if I have been misleading you here or not made myself understood. It was kind of the point – not to make myself fully understood but still write about what it is all about in a light way by touching the issue of interest here. The main thing being that something has happened that has started a chain reaction within me as a personal individual and I must prepare in order to survive its consequences with pride and honor without losing my face toward the outer world. This is very revealing and I am more or less exploiting myself in front of you. More about this will come in the future and maybe if you follow my posts in hte future you will begin to understand what I am talking about and why it is important to react now and keep reacting in order to keep the Flame of Kain/Baphomet lit forever.