Today I will go to the vet with my little companion. She is 17 years and 3 months old and she has cancer. During the past few months, she has lost both hearing and sight. Her sight was almost lost over night! But she has been strong and fought her battle against death and seemed pretty alert, walking around the apartment trying to find her way to whatever place she was looking for, but the last two nights she has hidden herself under my couch, and she doesn’t come out for food or water – she has always been a big drinker that could drink enormous amounts of cold water.
NEVER IN MY LIFETIME WILL THERE BE any other place to go. This world is supposed to be a place where there is room for all of us but sometimes I feel as if there is not enough room for me alone. The mind during these periods is darkened by shadowed thoughts. Single words may then linger in my consciousness and repeat itself until I normally would be on the verge of insanity but I have been there so many times that I honestly miss that state of mind when I am not in it anymore. How can that be so? Because once in there I feel undoubtedly secure and very isolated from the other souls around me. I do not see them. I do not feel their presence if they are around me.
A SOUL IS LIKE A LANDSCAPE, wounded from past and present wars, shaped by the cataclysmic happenings through our/natures history, molded into what we have/it has become. A soul can be beautiful and most probably are but we don’t see them because we are blinded by our everyday obstacles that keep us from noticing such thníngs as our fellow humans’ souls or the soul if an individual. And today I am thinking of individual souls… I’ve come to know this person with a heart full of love and I’m sure that this persons’ soul is as beautiful as the one I hope fills my own void. Most probably not so because when I think of it – what am I actually made of… what am I worth… what does it matter that someone somewhere is having feelings…
This is another Desolation X-photo from where I live, Rånäs. It is a couple of years old picture but I like it. It’s depressive, it is nostalgic and it is quite beautiful, I think, even though I have the pissiest day today that I’ve ever experienced in my life before. Not compared to any mental institutions or alike but for a normal day, so to speak. I’m just disappointed overall. There is so much shit going on in my life at the moment that I can’t feel joy, can’t breathe with ease or look at things in an objective way because when I am the subject I tend to be subjective rather…
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“I gaze into the eyes of Lilith. The light of Lucifer is shining”
– from Shadows by EUCHARIST (unreleased)
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